Listening to: No Ones Gonna Love You by Band Of Horses
Adventures of Clarence and Luvmotel continue …
A couple of Sundays ago Clarence and I were going on our second dive for the weekend. This time Clarence wanted to check out a new spot. He showed me a map on Google, noting how awesome the water would be (based on the satellite picture) and that it was right next to the dirt bike track that he frequents. If we took two cars he could stay and ride with his friends after our dive. Oh how convenient?
I wasn’t trying to be a buzz kill but I wasn’t feeling spry when I woke up so I asked if we could just go to the regular dive spot instead, one that we knew and loved. Going somewhere new is exciting, however, there will usually be some type of shenanigans attached to a new venture. I just didn’t have the energy to pursue a wild adventure that day.
Clarence agreed to go to the regular spot without even a hint of disappointment in his voice. I put on my swimsuit, a tee shirt, flip-flops, and Capri shorts. As we were leaving the house Clarence casually asked me this question … “I think we should check out the new spot … the water looked really cool, come on, what do you say?”
I begrudgingly agreed because I did not feel like arguing and was trying to appear to be a good sport. Deep sigh.
After 30 minutes of driving we pull into what looked like someone’s front yard; I noticed goats eating grass through the fence, and remember thinking; “What the heck is going on, where is the water?”
Clarence stops in front of me and tells me to pull my car over on the side of this grass driveway. Then I hop into his ride, and we continue driving until we get to the middle of a field. Clarence cuts the engine. Three seconds later a dozen mosquitos had a soiree in his car and I was the guest of honor. More deep sighs.
I look around, completely baffled by the amount of trees and fields surrounding us and the fact that there is no water in sight. I ask Clarence what we are doing in a field? He looks at me like I’m clueless and says: “Um, I thought we were diving?” If “snotified” was a word, I would use it to describe his demeanor when he answered me.
Unsatisfied with his inability to read my mind, I press on: “Where is the water?” And he tells me that its just through there (pointing to the trees).
I ask if he ever came to this spot before, possibly with any of his friends? The answer is no. I continue to ask more questions, that annoy him, such as: Well how do you know the water is through those trees? What is the inlet like? Do I have to scale the side of a rock like spider-man? Do I need a pulley to hoist myself up and down a 15 foot cliff? (Clarence shoots me a disgruntled glance.)
Clarence decides to start walking towards the trees; just in front of those trees lives a small patch of super tall grass. Only god knows what is living in the super tall grass. I tell Clarence that I am not walking through that grass in my flip-flops and capris. If I could read minds, husband was likely thinking — “ugh you are such a baby.”
Call it self preservation or whatever you like … I was not trying to visit the good for absolutely nothing Naval Hospital with a Habu snake bite. I double checked my things-to-do list and I didn’t find *Take a dirt nap* … anywhere on the list.
Like a gentleman, Clarence offers to give me a piggy back ride. He does this by saying: “get on baby.” I’m pretty sure his use of the word baby was not a term of endearment. We go through the first patch of grass to find more fields, trees, and tall bushes.
Right then and there I made the executive decision to not go any further. If he wasn’t boiling with anger at that moment, he soon would be because on the way back to the car, while he was carrying me on his back, a small ditch grabbed him by the ankle. He hopped out of the tall grass while cursing his head off for several seconds. Then he gently let me off of his back, continued cursing and removed his hat from his head to throw it to the ground in his fit of rage.
I don’t blame him, I would have been sore too. I wanted to say: “thanks for not dropping me” … but it seemed inappropriate at the time.
What I did say to him was that I loved him, I was sorry he sprained his ankle, and I warned him not to go on this mission alone. It just didn’t seem safe.
On my way home I felt like such a loser. I wished that I had braved the rainforest-jungle-tumble weed-survival dive. I sulked for a while and then decided to get over it.
Many hours later, after ignoring my advice, Clarence returned. He apologized for being angry and mentioned that it was a good thing I turned this expedition down. He went on to tell me that he faced several huge banana spiders and their massive webs. When he finally got through all the trees he found a cave. In full gear he climbed through the cave and alas the pacific was there to greet him. On a scale of one to not really worth it … he gave it a “not really worth it.”
I’m glad that Clarence came home in one piece.
*In case you are unfamiliar with the Banana Spider, 77% of the time they are harmless. 33% of the time their bites contain venom and can be life threatening.